Try, Try
by Writer Awakened
Summary: Suikoden 2. “Once…I believed that I could make you happy, and that you could make me happy…I wanted so desperately to believe that.” The night before the Liberation Army’s siege of L’Renouille; Jowy, Jillia, and a sad, sad love story.


_Try, Try_

-

"Did you wish to see me?"

Jillia stepped into her husband's dining quarters and smiled politely.

"Yes," said Jowy. He sat with his hands flat on the dining table, waiting for Jillia to speak. When she did not, he said, "Please sit down."

Jillia Blight did as she was told and sat across from her husband. The royal family's dining quarters were small and rather humble; Agares Blight preferred to eat in L'Renouille's Great Hall with his veritable legion of personal guards and food-tasters, and Luca Blight, for all Jowy knew, ate jerky and hard biscuits alone in a corner somewhere, up until the day he died. Only Jowy—just Jowy; he was never an Atreides, never truly a Blight—ever took his meals there, usually alone. Sometimes he would invite his wife in to dine with him, lighting a small candle and burning a small stick of incense he'd been told had been made in Kyaro.

That was the extent of Jowy's romanticism. Whenever he tried—and he _tried_, he always tried his very best—to set an intimate mood, he found himself unable to create anything more than an air of discomfort between him and his beloved. They'd not even consummated their marriage. Sometimes Jowy truly thought he wanted to, but whenever he climbed into bed beside Jillia, he invariably found himself wanting to do nothing more than gently stroke her hair and sink into sleep. He wasn't often in the mood to romance her, and lately he'd done little more than handle his affairs and return to his room to rest. The pain surging through his right hand had become unbearable, and he'd little of the energy he once possessed. Containing the Beast Rune seemed to be getting more difficult to do by the day, but he tried, tried as hard as he could, because it was all he could do to prevent Luca's 'parting gift' from breaking free.

"Is there something you wanted of me?" Jillia asked softly when she had seated herself, taking care, even in private, to smooth out her dress and sit down with the grace befitting a king's wife. "It isn't yet time to sup, my lord."

"I know." The afternoon sun was slowly changing into an evening dark. "I wanted to talk to you."

"I will listen, my lord." Jillia said, obediently. She was nothing less than obedient.

"Jillia, please," he said gently. "I've told you…just call me Jowy. Please."

"Yes…Jowy."

He waited a moment. "I'm sorry," said Jowy at last, softly strumming the table with his fingers. Between husband and wife, the candle's flickering flame wavered and danced so slightly in time with their breaths.

"Sorry? Sorry for what?"

"I am going to talk to Pilika tomorrow. But I wanted to speak with you first."

"It's about Highland, isn't it? About the attack?"

Jowy shook his head. "No, Jillia. It's about us."

"Us?"

"Can I tell you a story?" Jowy stood up and began to pace about slowly. His wife watched him walk—slowly and deliberately, as though he desperately wanted to avoid reaching his ultimate destination. "When I was a little boy, I lived in Kyaro with my two friends, Riou and Nanami. They were…like a family to me. All the other children in the town resented me because my new father was very wealthy. My mother was often ill and my stepfather was…he was overbearing. Riou and Nanami were the only people who treated me like an equal.

"Then one day I went to a fancy estate on the edge of town and my friend helped me see over the wall. There I saw the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on, sitting in the grass. I fell in love with her at first sight, even though I didn't know anything about her—not the sound of her voice or the color of her eyes or even what she liked to eat. But I knew she would never fall in love with me. We were from different worlds, and my place—my place was with my two best friends. I couldn't leave them behind. But—I don't know, maybe it was just a little boy's foolish ideals, but—at that moment, I thought to myself 'if I could be with her, I would be happy.'"

Jillia nibbled at her lip.

"As I got older and saw what the world was like, I…I wanted power. The power to change the things I felt were wrong. The power to stop all the senseless fighting. The power to change the world. But…when I came to Highland, there was something else I wanted. Something I truly never stopped thinking about and hoping about. Ah…do you…do you remember the day Riou and I broke into the royal camp? And I saw you there in your tent?"

Jillia remained silent.

"Jillia, you had no reason to help us. You could have turned us over to Rowd and he would have carried us off to Luca, and we probably would have lost our heads right there. But—you saved us. Even though we were your enemies, you helped us hide. That was it. That was when I remembered how many years ago, I looked over that wall at the Princess of Highland and I saw the girl who I thought would make me happy."

Jowy walked over to his wife's side and held out his hand. She took it and rose to her feet.

"Jillia. Do you know how little boys are? They think, 'if only I had this' or 'if only I had that, I would be happy'. They say 'if only I had this' or 'if only I had that, I would never need anything else again.' Are little girls like that, too? I think…I think there was something I wanted, something I thought would make me so happy. Something I needed."

"Jowy…"

"Once…I believed that I could make you happy, and that you could make me happy…I wanted so desperately to believe that. I tried as hard as I possibly could to believe that. But I don't think I have that sort of power. I don't think I have…the power to make you truly happy. I don't think I could ever truly take away your pain. Forgive me. I care for you so much. But…I…"

They looked into each other's eyes silently for a few moments—then Jillia held out her hands and her husband took them gently in his.

"Your hands are cold, Jowy."

"And yours are warm, Jillia."

"They say cold hands belie a warm heart."

Jowy tried to smile.

"My father…never cared much for me," Jillia said after some time spent thinking. She released her husband's hands and turned away. Her skirts brushed gently along the floor as she paced, slowly and deliberately. "He showed me love, but ultimately, I—I was like a stranger to him. I…I guess I shouldn't blame him. After all, I wasn't even his real daughter. And my brother…Luca would never listen to me. I wasn't even a person to him. He seemed to think of me as…as some sort of porcelain doll."

Jowy hung his head and listened. Her voice was sad and pained, and deep down he could hear her bitterness. Jillia walked to the window and looked out into the twilight, as the moon cast its silvery rays over her elegant form.

"Even my presence infuriated him," she continued. "I—I was just a painful memory for my brother. A reminder of how much he'd suffered. I was never really a little sister to him, just an…irritation. He preferred practicing his swordsmanship alone than confiding in me. And my mother—I never even knew my mother. I never had _anyone_ to turn to, or anyone to talk to.

"My father, my attendants, my advisers…they told me a young princess should go out and about, to see her country, to see the people. Yes, they took me to see executions, and watch the death throes of traitors, and see battlefields consecrated, and see all the places in Highland, and hear how much the people loved me and hated the evil people in Jowston. But…none of those people in the streets who claimed to adore me really _knew _me. All they knew was that I was the princess and that I was beautiful and kind and gentle. But whenever I went out in public, my handmaids would make sure I looked beautiful, and Culgan would tell me what to say and how to say it, and everyone would tell me what a lady would do and how to act to gain the trust of the populace. They didn't know Jillia. They only knew the Princess of Highland. And—those are two different people, aren't they?"

Jillia looked away from the window and returned to her husband's side.

"You have a good heart, Jowy. I can feel it. I can feel your warm heart whenever I'm near you. I'm right, aren't I? And I can feel how lonely you are. I know. I was lonely too. I've always been lonely. So I understand you."

"I've done terrible things," Jowy said plainly. "I don't want you to have to understand me. After the things I've done…I am afraid I don't deserve your understanding."

"Why? Why would you _say _something like that? After everything that's happened…why would you _say _that?" Her eyes seemed to flicker along with the candlelight. She clasped her hands together and squeezed them tightly. "Do you not _want_ to be understood? Do you not care if people understand you? Don't you care if your own _wife_ believes in you?"

"I—"

"I thought you _wanted_ to be accepted, Jowy. I thought you _wanted_ the people to love you." Jillia was trying not to be angry, he could tell, but somehow the anger, too, was escaping, along with the bitterness and the loneliness and all her uncertainty she wrapped tightly inside her elegant demeanor. For reasons he could not explain, Jowy almost felt happy hearing all her misgivings rise to the surface and escape their bindings.

"Jillia…" said he. "That's…"

"Do you not want my love, Jowy? Even if I am just a name and a title to you, do you not want me to love you? Would you be angry if I did? Would you begrudge me that?" She began to cry.

"Jillia…you don't truly love me, do you?" He wiped the tears from her eyes gently.

"Jowy…Jowy, don't _say_ that…I…"

"I understand. Jillia, I understand."

"I'm sorry," she whispered through her tears. "I _do _love you, Jowy. I _do_! _Truly_! But…but you…"

Jowy gently stroked Jillia's cheek and held her close. She didn't say it, but he knew what she was going to say.

'_But you don't love me.'_

"Please don't let go," she said as they embraced. "Please. My father let me go…my brother let me go…so please…don't let me go."

"All right," said Jowy, holding her tight, resting his head against her soft, warm neck. He tried, _tried_ to think back to a time when a promise meant something. "I won't let you go. I promise."

- - -

_**Author's Note**_: I couldn't believe it when I went to my favorite Suikoden-based site, suikosource dot com, and found out that not only was Jillia not older than Jowy, as I had initially believed, but in fact a year YOUNGER. I think it's the way that she carries herself. Jillia has a certain poise and dignity that belies her young age (15!)

I was going under the assumption that the girl in Jowy and Riou's flashback (the one where Riou helps Jowy to see over the stone wall into the garden) was actually Jillia (I don't know who else it could be; it's certainly not Nanami, XD). The fact that Jowy sees her so long ago is nice foreshadowing for their eventual marriage. If I'm wrong about that plot point, please feel free to let me know.

Thanks for reading!


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